Though, for only the past half a year I have taken this huge leap into finding out who I am and how I am to be me.
And the answer were all in these books, all in these wise words I heard while searching, but they didn’t reach my heart until I understood it. I still am not quite sure how that happened, but here, right where I left, my home, might be the answer. And it might be the old book that I found at my new rental rooms shelf just by accident and decided to open only one page and read that the answer was a bit clearer. There might have been a dozen times in the past I have heard the same quote that I wasn’t quite ready to accept, but now, suddenly it makes all the sense in the world.
Funny that when I came back from living 4 months abroad I began to understand even more clear how much the past had affected me...
And now it's just so clear. I realize just by being me, simply, accepting me, being honest to me, being naked in front of the mirror and thinking I love that person, or just by being silent in the crowd room of friends and strangers just because, just because I don’t have to talk, I can just BE. BE me.
You can always advice people to love them self but it might take a year or even 45 years to that listener to understand what do you really mean with those words.
For me from the time I was 19 (that's when I started to open myself a bit, open my field of experience, my vision so to speak) to the present it has been a revealing journey to realize just how much my family relations and surroundings have affected me. And now that I returned to take care of those relations I have been blessed to see it with different eyes. I don’t enjoy the things I used to, like clubbing or watching telly, but it is nice to still watch the old episodes of Frazier that they show here or laugh at the stupid commercials which promise you a healthy life in a yogurt can.
But now that I know the solution is not found on those things or even at my grandmother’s kitchen, I can be more free here that I was before. I can ask myself what do I want from the rest of my life, and I can aim for it.
After WHAT, I used to ask WHY, because before I might have done it for wrong reason, which had something to do with my ego. But now I can even talk calmly and listen, even in the family table where the emotions are exploded finally, when, after 45 years, the truth is spoken out loud.
I also think the less you have the more clear your path comes. I currently have very little money, but I know what I NEED to be able to do what I WANT instead of having all the money I dreamed but losing my goal while spending too much time in the grocery store. And I have enough money to make my dreams come true.
And when I tell to my friends, that while I had to live 2 weeks with 10 Euros in a busy city I was actually happier than when I had 1000 Euros, they don’t get me. Maybe it's because they are strong. But at that time I wasn’t, and I had to experience it, I had to experience even few days without eating to see, that I actually don’t need to focus on eating. I just need to focus on being in a moment FULLY. Thus I can see more clearly.
Here I am again, putting my thought out there. I think I'm mainly writing to put my thoughts into a paper, but if they can help somebody else, then why not putting them out here =)
Good night everybody! Frazier has left the building ;)
And the answer were all in these books, all in these wise words I heard while searching, but they didn’t reach my heart until I understood it. I still am not quite sure how that happened, but here, right where I left, my home, might be the answer. And it might be the old book that I found at my new rental rooms shelf just by accident and decided to open only one page and read that the answer was a bit clearer. There might have been a dozen times in the past I have heard the same quote that I wasn’t quite ready to accept, but now, suddenly it makes all the sense in the world.
Funny that when I came back from living 4 months abroad I began to understand even more clear how much the past had affected me...
And now it's just so clear. I realize just by being me, simply, accepting me, being honest to me, being naked in front of the mirror and thinking I love that person, or just by being silent in the crowd room of friends and strangers just because, just because I don’t have to talk, I can just BE. BE me.
You can always advice people to love them self but it might take a year or even 45 years to that listener to understand what do you really mean with those words.
For me from the time I was 19 (that's when I started to open myself a bit, open my field of experience, my vision so to speak) to the present it has been a revealing journey to realize just how much my family relations and surroundings have affected me. And now that I returned to take care of those relations I have been blessed to see it with different eyes. I don’t enjoy the things I used to, like clubbing or watching telly, but it is nice to still watch the old episodes of Frazier that they show here or laugh at the stupid commercials which promise you a healthy life in a yogurt can.
But now that I know the solution is not found on those things or even at my grandmother’s kitchen, I can be more free here that I was before. I can ask myself what do I want from the rest of my life, and I can aim for it.
After WHAT, I used to ask WHY, because before I might have done it for wrong reason, which had something to do with my ego. But now I can even talk calmly and listen, even in the family table where the emotions are exploded finally, when, after 45 years, the truth is spoken out loud.
I also think the less you have the more clear your path comes. I currently have very little money, but I know what I NEED to be able to do what I WANT instead of having all the money I dreamed but losing my goal while spending too much time in the grocery store. And I have enough money to make my dreams come true.
And when I tell to my friends, that while I had to live 2 weeks with 10 Euros in a busy city I was actually happier than when I had 1000 Euros, they don’t get me. Maybe it's because they are strong. But at that time I wasn’t, and I had to experience it, I had to experience even few days without eating to see, that I actually don’t need to focus on eating. I just need to focus on being in a moment FULLY. Thus I can see more clearly.
Here I am again, putting my thought out there. I think I'm mainly writing to put my thoughts into a paper, but if they can help somebody else, then why not putting them out here =)
Good night everybody! Frazier has left the building ;)
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